Friday, November 2, 2012

.adjusting.

Okay, Life with a little one is hard.
Much harder than I ever imagined. A few days ago was the two week mark that our little man, Jack, entered our lives and dramatically changed everything. I am no longer able to be that selfish woman I once was. This little man rules my life, and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. He is my entire heart that just happens to be another little person's body.

I seriously get no sleep [we are feeding about every 2 hours]. And no more free-time [tv shows now have to be PVR'd. And movies? Ha!]. No more cuddles for pete and I [at least for a while]. No more hour long baths with candles and bubbles. No more just running to the mall for a quick shop. No more blogging when I have a inspiring moment [it now is shoved between nap times and feedings]. And no more warm dinners [well, once in a while we do get a break on this one!]. I have also adapted to one-handed everything [no joke. I am actually one-handed typing right now!], and my house is sort of a disaster. Clean laundry sits on my couch waiting to be folded when it used to be done right away, and most days I don't get dressed till 10 am.
And if I was being perfectly honest, I should also mention that I have had my fair share of doubts about how good of a mother I am. I know it's probably the lack of sleep, or even my changing hormones, but it's been hard. The adjustment hasn't been simple and I feel every part of myself stretched thin. I am trying my very best, but it's just so different to what our life was before our little man.

And although I am exhausted beyond what I thought was imaginable, I am utterly in love. Jack has changed our lives, yes, but in such wonderful ways.  When I look at that little man staring up at me with all the innocence that only a newborn child could have, I immediately think how lucky I am to be his momma. He needs me in so many ways, and although that can also be very overwhelming, it brings me so much purpose. This is what life is meant to be.
Jack is this incredible little guy, usually so chill. He cries when he wants to eat, needs a change or has gas [and boy, this wee man gets gas! I sometimes wonder how those noises can come out of a little man!]. He loves to be cuddled. He loves to be warm. He's getting better with diaper changes...in other words, he doesn't scream murder every time we change him. He is starting to stare at things with his wide inquisitive eyes, and he knows both his mommy and daddy's faces and voices. I love how his little personality is really starting to shine through. When he doesn't get his way, he gets this mad red face on him, scrunches up his hands into tight little fists and kicks out his strong long legs. And then shows us his strong vocal cords. It's pretty funny [for the time being!] and I have a feeling we will have a strong minded, independent little boy on our hands. Sort of like his poppa ;)

And speaking of his poppa, I have to give credit for the way my husband has adjusted to fatherhood. That man sure loves his son with all his heart. You can see it in his face. He lights up every time he holds Jack and when he thinks no one is watching I often catch him smiling at his sleeping son and sneaking him a bunch of kisses. He also knows how to put the little guy to sleep. He can basically pick Jack up, rock him and coo him this certain way and bam, Jacks out. Peter's been my saving grace many times in the last couple weeks and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate and love him for it. He is working full time [and even some overtime], going to school and keeping me fed and basically functioning. Without Peter I seriously wonder if I would be able to do this. Not to sound super cheesy, but He really is my rock.
So yes, while I sometimes feel like I can't do this and wonder how on earth we will ever make it through these first few months, I just need to look down at that sweet angel of a face and I am reminded that he is us. He has made our family. And he is so worth every sleep deprived minute.

13 comments:

  1. I feel like I'm in tears reading your post. Boy did you bring back memories of my first child. You have a beautiful family and you are a beautiful mother. Don't doubt yourself..You'll be a great Mama.

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  2. Terri (momma and grandma)November 03, 2012

    Now your momma is crying and little Jack's grandpa is choked up too!!!...you guys are great parents and Erinn, you were born to be a momma ...you always looked after your little sister even better than I did sometimes!! and Peter is the perfect daddy and your ROCK!!You will make it through these first few hard weeks and everyone goes through these feelings. Remember your momma is always here for a backup when you guys need a break!!

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    1. Thanks mom. And I know you're always there to help me. Love you so much.
      xoe

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  3. He is just absolutely perfect, and you look gorgeous! I can't imagine how hard it must be, and of course what an adjustment. I know you both will be phenomenal parents. Enjoy each second of every moment...they say it goes by so fast. Congratulations!

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    1. Thanks Tricia. We like him quite a bit and think we'll keep him ;)
      And you are right....it's hard to believe that he is already 3 weeks old!
      xoe

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  4. Wow you literally described exactly how I've been feeling! I have a newborn son as well, born 1 month before your little guy and I can honestly say day by day it gets a little easier. Just wait, the best is yet to come. No words can describe the feeling you have when your child smiles back at you, or sneaks in a laugh. It's truly amazing! Congrats to you both, little Jack is beautiful!

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    1. Thanks so much Laurie. I'm so happy to hear that I wasn't alone in my thoughts! It's so overwhelming at first, but like you said, it's even getting easier as each day passes.
      And I cannot wit till little Jack smiles at me. That will just make my life!
      xoe

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  5. I will never forget what the first two weeks of parenthood felt like. I remember feeling massive amounts of anxiety, incredibly emotional, exhausted and terrified. Then, all of a sudden at about two and a half weeks, it felt like things changed. We started to establish our own routine and meet up with other friends who were new moms and I started to feel so much better. Even now, expecting our second I am so nervous about those first two weeks. It will change soon and you will look back and think.... it wasn't as hard as I thought it was.

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    1. Wow, you actually took the words right out of my mouth. It's just past two and a half weeks for me and it feels like everything has changed. Just like that! Maybe I'm getting used to the hours, or maybe Jack is sleeping longer, but things have definitely been easier as of late. And I am so happy for that!
      xoe

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  6. Soo glad you documented this time in your life. I have no memory of the first 3 weeks of the girls life other than a weird hysterical meltdown over tea.. yep tea. lol. You'll be a great mommy, only the best ones worry! You'll never have it all figured out, if it isnt teething its a diaper rash or cradle cap or upset tummies...its never ending and as much as it sounds like a big ol pain in the butt its just the best thing in the world <3.

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  7. Erinn,

    I loved reading this as it brought back so many memories of the days after Emrielle was born at 4 lbs and a premie (born at 32 weeks), I was scared shitless! I acutally had thoughts of just leaving her in the NICU as I thought I could never do this, feeling so overwhelmed, tired, ect. I broke down at every little thing. When I got her home, it got even worse. I would just look at her and cry thinking I have no idea what I am doing, it took her 2 months to get up to 7 lbs and of course I blamed myself. I couldnt believe how much time she took away from "me" doing my things (going to the gym, reading, hanging out with friends) I actually thought she would arrive and I could do all those things so easily with her, boy was I wrong! Thankfully I have the most amazing husband who would kick me out of the house to do those things and it sure sounds like you have a lovely guy just the same! Please know that EVERY new parent has these thoughts and it is normal. Unfortunately for me it took 6 months and a few visits to the Dr. as true postpartum set in but luckly something around 7 mths post delivery something clicked and I just got better. It was like Hallelujah I feel like me again. And my sweet baby girl was just fine and growing like a weed. Almost 4 years later I am so proud of my big girl and think damn we have been doing a pretty fine job! I never want to relive those feelings again and happy we made the decision to have a limited edition only. Its never a bad thing to ask for help or take a break, I share my story as I wish someone would have done so with me. Good luck in these next few months, it truly only get better. Take care, You are an amazing person and mother!

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  8. I wanted to say congratulations. Love his name. I have one, too. He's seven. Beautiful baby. Loved your post today (Things a new mom needs after birth). Great job! I know it's hard, but when you have a second one, you are going to say, "The first one wasn't as hard as I thought", but anytime you go through it the first time, it is dramatic and hard.

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